McKay's Day in Hezmana
by FourSilverArrows
Summary: This comes after Shot Through A Wormhole and features Doc Parrish, Major Lorne, Sergeant Stackhouse and an OFC called Lt. Murphy. Oh, and not to forget, Dr. Rodney McKay. Revised on Jan. 16, 2005.


Summary: After Lorne's talk with Sheppard, he decides to irk McKay with some Farscape speak on a mission.

A/N: This comes after Shot Through A Wormhole and features Doc Parrish, Major Lorne, Sergeant Stackhouse and an OFC called Lt. Murphy. Oh, and not to forget, Dr. Rodney McKay.

Revised on: 1-16-06 on beta's suggestions.

Beta: J.A.B.

------

Lorne wasn't nervous, he was excited. Weir had just given him permission to proceed on a new mission and he had already picked his team with glee . . . three days ago. Dr. Weir had raised her eyebrows as he eagerly handed her his requests for the temporary team and nodded absently.

It was his choice; he was leading the mission and could ask for anyone who wasn't currently involved in another mission or project.

His first pick, Doctor Parrish, was for his skills in botany and his newfound skills at handling a 9 mil like his plant samples depended on it. Of course, they could depend on it, so Lorne wasn't going to give the scientist a hard time about it. It shook the Doc up when they found that dead Wraith on P3M-736 and Parrish had immediately asked for weapons training. The Doc was a very good student.

The second pick was Sergeant Stackhouse, for his ability to pilot the Puddle Jumper they needed to reach their destination. Well, Lorne could fly the thing himself, but he wanted his mind on other things this mission.

Third was Lieutenant Murphy, for her ability with her P-90 and her six-covering skills on previous missions with Lorne. She had come to Atlantis with a bad reputation for getting into deep trouble which explained her nickname of 'Murphy's Law,' but so far she had not lived up to it. Up to this point, she had stayed far away from Sheppard and McKay, both trouble magnets themselves. Atlantis would need serious help if all three were in the same room at the same time.

The final member was one Dr. Rodney McKay, the PowerBar chomping techno babble genius of the Atlantis expedition.

Lorne's mouth practically watered at the thought of being on a two-day mission with the good Dr. McKay.

Doc Parrish interrupted Lorne's happily vengeful thoughts as his lean form approached the Jumper carrying two silver sample cases. The Doc sat down the cases and then went through a gun check that would have made a Marine's heart sing. Hell, it was even making Lorne feel like bouncing on his toes.

"Hey, Doc! You ready to go?"

Parrish was easy going most of the time and gave a smile of delight. "Yes, I just finished my study of the new plant from the Mainland submitted by the charming Ms. Charin. It was remarkably similar to Achillea millefolium." Parrish stuffed his cases into the open Jumper. "Should be a good addition to the medicines being developed by the Athosians to replace what they've lost in the move. It will be great for fever reduction and as an astringent."

Major Lorne snickered under his breath as the botanist boarded the Jumper. That man was always happy to talk about his plants.

Yeap, two days on a tropical planet with Dr. McKay and a carefully picked team made up of Farscape fans.

Let the good times roll.

Lorne looked around and saw Stackhouse, Murphy and McKay ambling along toward the Jumper. "Let's move it! We're burning daylight!"

The Major's smile only got bigger at the muttering of Rodney McKay.

-------

The new planet, P4M-999, was like a hothouse that grew large bloomed flowers and tropical vines.

Doc Parrish almost wept at the sight as he gathered his sample cases and moved out after Lt. Murphy.

McKay was not as happy with the heat and the humidity. It was too much like P3M-736 for comfort. "And why, exactly, am I here sweating when I could be enjoying the comforts of Atlantis solving the mysteries of the Ancient Database?"

"'Cause this is more fun?"

McKay turned a glare on the Major. "Fun? I'm sorry, were you there for the mission briefing with Elizabeth? Just because someone picked up very faint power readings on this mud ball does not mean it's good enough to be a 'McKay' problem. Now the power signature coming off the thing that looks like a flamingo in Lab 3 is worthy of the McKay genius."

Lorne just hummed as he hooked his P-90 to his vest and looked up at the yellowish sky and the two suns. "Too bad you didn't bring your cocoa butter this time."

The glare increased in intensity on the back of Lorne's neck as Stackhouse clattered out of the Puddle Jumper to join his superior officer on the moist ground.

"Well, button it up, Stackhouse," said the Major as he motioned to the Jumper. "We won't be back for a few arns at least."

Stackhouse just nodded and then he secured the Puddle Jumper.

"I mean, I can understand why Parrish is here. Hello, it's Plant World! But to make the leading . . . wait, did you say 'arns?'" McKay's fluttering hands stilled as he poked his bottom lip out in thought.

"What? Nah, I said 'hours.' Hours," Lorne repeated with emphasis and an unruffled look on his face. Inside, he was a hot-hearted maniac doing back flips.

McKay gave him another glare and then shrugged his shoulders to resettle his pack. "Well, since I don't want the flying monkey minions back at the labs to blow Atlantis up while I'm gone, let's get on with this." He absently pulled out a peanut butter PowerBar and nibbled on it as he looked at his readouts.

-------

They settled into a pattern with Parrish and Murphy in the lead, McKay and Lorne in the middle and Stackhouse covering their six.

Except for Parrish's occasional exclamations over new plants and McKay soft muttering about faint power readings, they were pretty quiet.

Only the screeching of the local lizards and the trills of the birds kept them company.

"Juka!" gasped Stackhouse from the back of the group. The others turned to see a large neck-frilled lizard with a yellow tongue trying to get intimate with the poor man's shin.

Lorne moved back to help, but was waived off by the warmly flushing sergeant as he shook his leg.

McKay just stood with the PowerBar hanging out of his mouth in surprise.

After trying to cling to the moving object, the lizard thing gave Stackhouse a good hissing and then it scuttled back into the underbrush.

"Sorry, sir," stammered Stackhouse as he clutched his P-90 just a little closer and studied his leg carefully.

Lorne wanted to laugh, but held it in for Stackhouse's sake. Hell, it could have been any one of them giving the lizard the ride of its life. "No problem, just keep your eyes open."

The sergeant refused to meet his CO's eyes and went back to his rear guard duty.

When it got quiet again, as discretely as he could, Lorne caught Murphy's eye and gave a slight nod. She inclined her head and turned back to Parrish.

"So what's up with Simmons? Last week she was all over the water power guy and now she's with Kirkland."

Parrish chuckled in his husky voice and shook his head. "I don't know. Did you see that shirt she was wearing when we sent out a team to explore the Mainland? Low cut. Her loomas were—"

Murphy snorted and cut him off. "I've never seen a woman show up in a shirt like that for that kind of work. Well, other than the tralks that my brother used to date. Honestly, did she get any work done?"

McKay was still looking at his readings, but he was slightly leaning toward the conversation with a frown on his face.

"No. She was too busy pulling the neckline up every few minutes to keep from exposing herself to half the Athosian guides. Not that they would have minded."

Lorne quietly laughed at the mental image. Simmons couldn't come on the "Introduce McKay to Farscape" mission, but she did agree to donate her name to the conversation. And her embarrassing time on the Mainland in her low cut magenta knit shirt while she was trying to impress Doctor Kirkland.

McKay looked up from his scanner with a wrinkled forehead and turned a fish eye on Lorne. He lent in and said just above a whisper, "I think maybe we should go back to the Puddle Jumper."

Lorne didn't blink at the hushed statement. "Why?"

"You've all obviously caught some type of delirium." McKay looked up at the double suns and let his right hand do that thing it did when he was thinking or nervous – the fingers rubbing together furiously. "Huh, maybe sunstroke."

"We only have about a metra left to go, McKay. I don't think we have to worry about sunstroke just yet."

McKay snorted in scorn. "A 'metra' left to go? Just listen to yourself."

Lorne plastered a look of exasperation on his face. "Metra? What are you talking about? I said we have about a kilometer left to go to get to the target site. Maybe you're just hearing things or coming down with something." He made a move to check McKay's forehead for a fever and McKay almost squawked in indignation.

McKay stood back and squinted his eyes, tilting his head as if he was weighing Lorne's intelligence. From the slight shake of his head, he obviously wasn't giving Lorne much credit in that department.

"Oh! Come on," moaned Lt. Murphy suddenly from the front of the group.

Lorne stiffened and brought up his P-90. "What?"

Behind him, Stackhouse also straightened and readied his weapon.

Murphy looked down and carefully lifted her right foot. "I think I just stepped in about three units of trat." She carefully stepped to the side and made a face at the mess. "Yotz! Just what I need on a long hike . . . smelling like a Bellian Yard Rat's nest."

The Major laughed, but still kept his P-90 at the ready. "Hey, it's a planet full of life. Isn't it drad to be out of Atlantis and on a mission? You were complaining just last week about the long guard duty in the gateroom."

The woman tried to scrape her boot on the lush grass. "You're so full of dren." There was a long pause and then she tacked on, "Sir."

McKay was looked from one to the other as if he was watching a fast and furious tennis match. "Trat? Yotz? Drad? Are you sure we don't need to call Beckett?" His voice turned yielding and cajoling. "Maybe you all need to go back to the Jumper and have a nice long talk with the friendly Dr. Beckett. Hmm? How does that sound? Maybe have some nappy-time?"

They ignored him.

Parrish suddenly let his cases drop to the ground as his arms began to burn from the load. "You know what would be even more drad? An extra person to help with these cases. They're getting heavy already and we haven't even reached our destination."

"Sorry, Doc. I need Murphy and Stackhouse on security."

They all turned to McKay who was still mouthing the unfamiliar words and fingering his radio. When he noticed the pointed looks, he flapped his hand at them. "Oh, no. No, no, no, no." He used his other hand to stuff the empty wrapper into his vest pocket. "I did not come to this Planet of the Plants to be a pack mule. If the botanist wants samples, then he gets to carry them."

Lorne gave a quick look at Parrish to see if he was offended by McKay's obvious lack of respect for botany. He found the lean doctor smiling with obvious humor at his irritable colleague.

"That's okay, Major. Sometimes my eyes are bigger than my sample cases. I can manage; just give me a few microts to catch my breath."

Lorne could see the humor in the man's warm eyes and relaxed slightly. As much as the Major was enjoying the confused looks of McKay during this trip, he definitely didn't want Parrish's feelings hurt over his chosen science.

The Major was surprised when the Doc turned to McKay with a glint in his eyes.

"Doctor McKay, I think you're standing on a perfect specimen of what looks like a Hyoscyamus niger," said Parrish with a bit of unforced wonder in his voice. And a bit of slyness.

"What?"

The botanist stepped closer to McKay and peered at the ground. "A highly poisonous plant from Eurasia. Although, it is possible that this plant, while it looks much like Hyoscyamus niger, could be completely harmless. If you could, maybe you can get me a sample for my collection."

McKay managed to not just step, but leap spectacularly away from the small plant with the chunky dark green leaves and whitish flowers.

'Nice one, Parrish,' though the Major to himself as he marveled at how far McKay could jump. It was almost four feet from a standing position. "Just blez, McKay. I'm sure the plant's not gonna climb up your leg and bite you."

"And how would you know, Major?" There was a snarl on McKay's round, red face as he looked back in distaste. "How did I let myself be roped into this farce? It's bad enough when Sheppard wants me to go on his missions, but now I've got delusional people in charge of my safety on a planet full of poisonous plants—"

Parrish bent down in the middle of Rodney's ranting to get a small sample of the plant with tweezers, placing it into his overloaded cases. "When we get back, I'm going to have about four weekens worth of work to do on these samples."

From his smile, Lorne could tell that it wouldn't be work for this man. It would be a joy.

"Okay, let's move on. We still need to make our target site."

Murphy moaned from her forward position and scrubbed the moisture from her forehead as they started forward. She kept dragging her feet in an attempt to clean them off.

"Major, are you sure it's not sunstroke? Really, when people start to talk in tongues, it's time to let Beckett give you some of the good stuff or to go find a priest," muttered McKay quietly to Lorne.

Lorne just smiled.

-------

'Okay, we were just having a nice little outing when this happened. Never fails!' thought Lorne as his team raced back to the Puddle Jumper.

"Murphy!" yelled Lorne.

"Why are you yelling at me? Not my fault, sir! I'm not responsible for the jolly green giants trying to kill us. Maybe McKay has picked up some of the Colonel's bad luck."

They had almost reached their target site when two large . . . things that looked like big, green bugs jumped them. Big as in huge . . . gigantic . . . gargantuan.

Lorne didn't know if the long whip like things they carried were actually weapons, but he wasn't taking any chances and tried to hurry his team's retreat.

"McKay, get the hezmana out of my way!"

"What? What are you babbling about now?" came the harried voice of McKay as he tried to avoid being slammed into by the Major. "I'm too busy trying not to get killed by the pissed off praying mantises to interpret your idiot rambling!"

Lorne just reloaded his P-90 and turned to run backwards for a better angle, waving McKay on. "Get the hell out of my way!"

After a few hours of rubbing McKay the wrong way, it was hard to go back to speaking 'normal' while being chased by large, green things with whips.

"Murphy! What the frell are you doin'? Drop that and get back to the Jumper!"

Lt. Murphy was pushing Parrish ahead of her with one hand and carrying one of the silver sample cases in the other. Doctor Parrish clutched the other case. "Sir, I tried, but he won't leave them and I'm not carrying them all."

Lorne sighed. 'Doc, Doc, Doc,' he thought. "Parrish, drop the cases. We'll come back for them later."

Parrish had his handgun out and was taking as much care in aiming at the pursuers as he could while at the same time stumbling over perfect representatives of Thymus vulgaris and Artemisia vulgaris. In a smooth move that made Lorne think of Sheppard, Parrish ejected his empty clip and used his thigh to help slam home a new one.

The only thing missing was the Doc having a black rag tied around his head and yelling, "Lock and load!"

"Come back, my e'ma!" yelled back the ticked off botanist. "You know we won't come back for them."

The jolly green giants made loud clicking noises and everyone raised their weapons for a response of the metal kind. Even McKay was giving a clinic with his well-placed rounds.

But then again, living on Atlantis, going on off-world missions and having to deal with imminent death all the time by the Suckers were good incentives for anyone to learn how to shoot at moving targets.

"I'm having a first-rate time, thanks for choosing me, Major," hissed McKay as he tried his best to outrun everyone on the team to the relative safety of the Jumper.

"Least I . . . could do, McKay. I know how much you like . . . getting your sun," replied Lorne between his huffing and his shooting.

"I'm sooo going to tell Sheppard . . . to never loan me out to you again."

"Oh, frell, now you've ruined my day," grunted Major Lorne as he leaped over a dead tree and almost went down on his face in the vegetation.

McKay shook his head. Why was he the one that always ended up with the smart ass Majors? The next Major that showed up on Atlantis was going to Carson or maybe Zelenka.

The team members kept up their quick pace back to safety.

Stackhouse was now in the lead, ready to get the Jumper ready for flight. Lorne was lagging behind to make sure everyone was staying together as the local plant life tried to split them up in the uneven landscape.

It was in desperation when they bodily threw themselves into the open and waiting Jumper, courtesy of Stackhouse, all of them landing hard on the floor. The two sample cases almost clocked McKay in the head and he tried to push them away with his weak arms. He finally gave up and unhooked his backpack to allow for better breathing.

Air wheezed out of their lungs as Stackhouse put the Puddle Jumper into the sky.

"Damn," groaned out Lorne as he flipped over to lie on his back. "Put that on the list of things I never want to do again."

Lt. Murphy raised her hand into the air from her position leaning against the bench. "Me, too," she groaned as she tried to ignore the smell coming from her boot in the small space.

"The good thing is . . . I found out where the power readings were coming from," gasped out McKay.

"Where?"

"The whipy-things that the praying mantises were carrying. Just be glad you didn't get to feel the power," replied McKay as he carefully pushed himself up and away from Parrish's cases and his backpack.

"I'm feeling something right now," groaned Parrish looking pale and sweaty.

Oh, no. Lorne forgot about the Doc's tendency to get post action nausea. Parrish may know how to use his gun, but he still had the shakes and the illness afterwards.

McKay could see the green complexion and pushed himself further away from the tired group. "Oh, no, no, no. I make it off of Plant World only to be barfed on by a botanist?"

Lorne staggered up from the floor and got the medical kit. He always stashed a few Tums in the kit just for Doc Parrish. It would hold him until they could get him back to Beckett for something stronger.

"Here, Doc," he said with sympathy and Parrish nodded as he chewed the tablets with a sour expression at the taste.

"Hey, is there a thermometer in there?" asked McKay. His eyes were darting between all of them with a calculating look. A sneaky look.

"I guess," Lorne looked into the kit.

"Give it," said McKay as he pushed forward and snatched the thermometer.

Everything was okay until he tried to jam the thing into Lt. Murphy's ear. "Hey, you nufer! It's not that kind of thermometer! It's supposed to go under the tongue!"

McKay looked unhappily at the slim object. So much for surprise fever results. "Oh, come on! Something has to be wrong with you people. Beckett will probably want to know if all of you are running fevers."

Lorne couldn't take it any more. He broke down in a laughing fit that forced tears out of his eyes. Part of it was the expression on McKay's face and the other part was relief that they all were safe.

And the look on Murphy's face with the thermometer hanging out of her ear was priceless.

"Now, now, Major. I'm sure Beckett can help you," murmured McKay in a false tone of comfort and a slight hint of nervousness.

That just made Lorne howl louder and pretty soon Parrish was adding his own rough laughter to the mix.

"Just . . . just never mind, McKay. Why don't you and . . . Murphy and Parrish try to get some rest while I help Stackhouse with the Jumper. Okay?"

Murphy still looked put out and Parrish had a huge grin on his face that belied his paleness. McKay nodded reluctantly as they all dragged themselves to the benches.

"Okay, Major. I'll let this go until we get back to Atlantis."

"You do that, McKay. You just do that."

------

When the Jumper came to rest in the hanger bay, McKay was the first out.

The animated scientist ambushed Beckett who had responded to the bay to check on Parrish's weak stomach. McKay forced his friend to listen to his rantings about sunstroke and delirium until Colonel Sheppard showed up.

"Hey, Rodney, how'd it go?"

"Oh, thank god! You have to listen to me, Colonel. Something . . . strange is going on with Lorne and the others. Carson here isn't listening to me." McKay turned to give Beckett a disapproving frown. "Somewhere between all the running and the shooting and all the sample taking, they seemed to have started speaking in tongues."

"So, you had a drad time, huh? Good. I'll just have to loan you out more often," said Sheppard with his best 'I'm an innocent fly-boy' look on his face. The one that usually made McKay furious at first sight.

McKay let his mouth drop open in surprise and just gave a tiny little squeak of protest.

"That good of a time? Wow, I'll have to talk to Lorne about having a joint mission in the near future."

McKay clicked his teeth together suddenly and drew in a breath.

Now that Rodney's crank was turned and his brain was back to firing on all cylinders, he set off on a whole list of things that needed to be incorporated into the procedures of future missions.

He started with having all new Majors being broken in by Zelenka and he ended with saying that all teams and Puddle Jumpers should be issued SPF 100 sunscreen.

John just smiled and patted Rodney on the back.

Lorne came out of the Jumper helping Parrish with his sample cases. Beckett grabbed the still pale botanist and began questioning him about his symptoms.

"Well, Major, was your mission a success," asked John with one eyebrow raised and a slight nod toward McKay.

Lorne smiled. "Yes, sir!"

McKay squeaked in a manly way. "A success? A success? Only if you count rambling teammates, giant killer bugs and poisonous plants as a success!"

John patted Rodney again in sympathy. "Major, take your team to the infirmary with Dr. Beckett. Oh, and I'll be expecting a full report on all events before you turn in for the night."

Lorne looked at Murphy, Parrish and Stackhouse with a grin.

They all gave a sketchy salute to Sheppard. "Yes, sir!" was the enthusiastic reply.

END


End file.
